This post is geared towards guys that have a little more experience under their belt with women and dating. It’s not as applicable to guys that are brand new to improving their love lives. I’ll explain why at the end of the post. If you’re a beginner, you certainly should still read this, though!


When it comes to texting a woman, don’t overthink your texts.


It happens to the best of us. We meet a woman that we’re really excited about and all of a sudden we’re thinking WAY too much before texting her.
We’re worried that she might misconstrue something we say. We worry that we sound insecure, or too nice, or desperate. We worry that we’re texting her too soon, or not soon enough. We worry that she won’t pick up on our sense of humor and will be offended by a joke!

At the end of all of these trains of thought, we can sometimes end up firing off a text that is just “off”, for lack of a better term. We’ve gone through so many different scenarios in our head and we’re completely disconnected from the moment.

We don’t want to do this for several reasons:

First of all, the woman might be able to tell that we’re overthinking our texts. Some women have enough experience with men to make that determination. We might telegraph inexperience, insecurity, or that we’re just a little more fear-based, in general.

A woman doesn’t mind a man with a healthy normal sense of fear, but most women don’t want to be with a guy that’s too shaky and insecure.

She may not even consciously know that you’re overthinking your texts. Subconsciously, however, your vibe might just be a little bit off. She won’t be able to necessarily describe what she’s feeling. She’ll just know that she’s not feeling “something” or that she’s getting a weird vibe.

When she sends you a text, there’s a certain headspace and emotional state that she’s in. Once you read the text, play out a million different scenarios in your mind, and sort through all of your emotions, well you’re not exactly coming from the same place and being in the moment with her.


Being in the moment is important.


I know you’re thinking to yourself, “Well, we’re not in the moment together. We’re texting. Right?”


Wrong! Back and forth texting with a woman is very similar to having a regular conversation. It’s just taking place on a different platform. There should be a nice back and forth rhythm and you CAN get a sense of someone’s emotional state, just by reading his or her texts.



Don’t make the mistake of thinking you exist in an insulated bubble until your text is actually sent.  Your text is a direct reflection of what’s going on inside of you.

If the old adage that “emotions are contagious” is true, then being unsure of yourself isn’t good. We’re going to be allowing our fears and insecurities to make her feel uncertain about things, too.

On the flip side, if you don’t put enough energy and effort into your texts, she’s going to think you’re either not interested in her, or that you’re not a great communicator.


Like most things when it comes to dating, there’s a sweet spot, a middle ground that we should be shooting for. We shouldn’t overthink or underthink our texts! Is “underthink” even a real word?

One final thing I’ll say on this subject: I don’t want to be with a woman that I need to think so hard with. If I can’t keep a woman’s attention by putting a “balanced” amount of effort in, well that’s not a very good precedent to be setting in the relationship.

I put a decent amount of effort in to make sure the woman knows I’m interested. I will back off if I feel like my efforts are not being reciprocated or if I’m being a little overzealous, but in general, I do believe in showing the woman I’m a good communicator.


I try to keep her mentally and emotionally stimulated.  


I will move to a phone conversation and then a date when the timing is right, of course. I don’t want to stay in the text world forever! Nonetheless, exchanging a few texts with a woman is something we need to do early in the courtship process, while dating, in a relationship, and beyond.

So why is this post more for the intermediate level and beyond guys? Because when you’re a beginner, you should be putting more effort into texting and making sure the text is going to connect well before sending it off.

You should be judging how your text is going to be perceived. You should think of a few different texts that you could send before choosing one. You should think about a variety of different things and put effort into crafting texts when you’re first learning.

After you gain some experience, it will become second nature and you won’t have to try so hard. You’ll have many different texts banked away in your mind that you can bust out for a variety of scenarios. You’ll be able to make new ones up on the fly. That’s a topic for another post, though.