Trying too hard to control an outcome is a common mistake that many men make. They try to force conversations that just aren’t there. They struggle to get a woman to make eye contact. They are too attached to the outcome and their desperation is dictating their actions. Fueled by frustration, little failures to get a woman to act the way they think she “should” act start to build up and they find themselves in a downward spiral. Add a little alcohol on a weekend night to the situation and you’ve got a recipe for a pretty unfulfilling night.
Trying too hard to make things happen can be just as detrimental to success and happiness in your dating life as sitting back and waiting for life to happen. They are two sides of the same coin.
Being a man that takes action, leads, and makes life happen is an attractive quality, but it needs to be balanced out with a certain amount of outcome independence. Outcome independence is, simply put, playing the game to the best of your abilities and not caring if you win or lose, not caring what the outcome is. You are not dependent on a particular outcome to make you happy because you recognize that there are certain factors that are outside of your control. Your happiness comes from within.
Be committed to everything, but attached to nothing.
Knowing when to be patient, laid back, and allowing things to unfold as they will is the mark of a strong man.
Sometimes the best way to control a situation, paradoxically, is to not try to control it.
Most women see through desperate and controlling behavior pretty easily. A guy that’s forcefully trying to steer conversations in a certain direction is painfully transparent. It’s often motivated by selfishness and a lack of care for the woman.
Instead of pushing your own agenda, why not focus on giving? Why not focus on spreading positivity and having unselfish interactions with not only women, but people in general? I’m not advocating martyrdom… I’m not saying that you should give unconditionally of yourself to people and women that are not reciprocating. I’m not saying that you should allow people to use you and swallow up all that you give of yourself.
I am advocating a slight tweaking of perception, however. Many men see a world that is always working against them. They always feel one step behind everyone else. When talking with a woman, they feel as if she’s always right on the verge of slipping away and this causes them to start the downward cycle of trying too hard to control.
The men that women tend to gravitate to are the ones that have better things to do than to try to control people. Focus on having fun if you’re out and about with your friends. Focus on sharing your time with people. Use the pushiness, clinginess, and desperation of other guys to your advantage.
The next time your buddy is trying too hard with a woman he’s talking to, see if you can get her to start glancing your way by being more laid back, fun, and positive. See if through patience and positive emotions the woman doesn’t eventually gravitate to you. While you’re at it, consider trading in those friends that are constantly working against you, and instead, surround yourself with people that know how to share positive energy.
If you’re the kind of guy that’s always wondering what he can get out of women, leave that world. It’s a lonely one. Be a safe haven of positivity and trust and you will set yourself apart from other guys. If you catch yourself slipping into that controlling mentality, just release it. Be conscious of your thoughts and emotions and through practice you can chip away at old habits that aren’t benefiting you or other people and replace them with new more productive habits.
Ironically, many controlling people also feel like they are the victims of being controlled. They carry themselves with a vengeful pride that is fueled by the times that they’ve been walked on.
There are some guys that suffer from the opposite problem… They are constantly being controlled by other people and allowing themselves to be walked on. If you are one of these guys, this post may not be as relevant to your current situation, but I will say a few things in your regard… Rest assured that the controlling people you encounter are not getting everything they want, although they often like to let other people think they are. Learning to stand up for yourself is important, but make sure that you don’t swing to the opposite end of the spectrum and start thinking that you need to control everything. Being a balanced guy with healthy boundaries is where you want to be. There will be future posts regarding men that need to stand up for themselves more.
One final point I would like to address… Not every guy that’s trying too hard to control situations is a bad person and motivated by selfish intentions. There are a lot of guys that simply are not putting themselves into enough situations and aren’t gaining enough experience to find the right balance. They very rarely, if ever, attempt to flirt or escalate interactions past a friendly vibe.
They are suffering from a scarcity mentality and tend to cling to any opportunity that comes their way.
Whether motivated by fear, greed, selfishness, or just a lack of experience and understanding, trying too hard to control interactions with women is something that you need to be vigilant of. Life is a combination of making it happen and accepting it as it is. Swing too far to the “accepting life as it is” side of things and you fall into complacency. The “making it happen” side of the spectrum will drain your energy as you try to control things and people that can’t be controlled.
Finding a happy middle ground will bring you more satisfaction and make you more attractive to the women you want.